nikkiscr

I need to own what I did yesterday. I went to the bar thought I won’t drink, then it was 1, then it was 2 and so on. Then my inhibitions about my diet flew right away from me & I started eating. Dang it, Oh well, now I know that I just can’t drink, too many calories, not good for me, and I always eat & eat. I used to fail on a diet and think, It’s over. I failed. But now I know it’s just one bad day in 30 days of good dieting. I’m going to drink lots of water and ride my bike twice as long to at least make ap for a little bit of yesterday. So NO more drinking for Nikki.

It really upsets me when other people try to make me eat or make me feel guilty for not eating. I love my job & everyone I work with but everyday someone brings in chocolate, donuts, cookies, whatever. And it seems like if I say No Thanks, it’s rude. And then I get the “oh come on, I spent an hour baking them last night”. That is the hardest part about being on a diet.

and even worse….

I noticed I do that to my boyfriend all the time. ( he’s a skinny guy) so I don’t feel so bad. But I am always making him eat and trying to get him to finish everything on his plate. Like I love him & I guess I want him to feel good and enjoy food. But it’s stupid that I make him feel guilty for not being hungry just because I want to cook a big dinner.

 There is too much of a connection between love & food in my life.

So I am going to be Married this Summer. I know that I have to feel good on my most special day. My boyfriend is sweet and says I look great but I know my BMI and the mirror says otherwise. I realize that that extra 30 pounds keeps me from doing the things I would normally do. I used to be into dance but now I just think about what will jiggle when I am jumping around. Also I haven’t really been getting ready in the morning, I kind of feel like, What’s the point? My weight has been a roller coaster for as long as I can remember. I went from 160 to 105 more than once in my life. But I always slowly gain it back. This time I am going to keep it off. I can’t think of it as a “diet” I just need to live this way. Wish me luck! I’ve already lost 8-10 pounds and 1 full pant size. That is a lot for me.